absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
