There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
