i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
