Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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