My friends, they love my intelligence
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize