Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You dont lie about slip and slides
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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