we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
