Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
