??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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