If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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