Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
