Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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