I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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