i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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