i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
