I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
