Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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