I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
