it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
