the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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