Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
