i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
