its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
