woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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