So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
