Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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