At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
