so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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