Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
