hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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