I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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