Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Randomize
