Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
the liver wants what the liver wants
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
