how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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