You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
