So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
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