just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
