Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
