it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
