Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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