i would punch a child for taco bell
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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