I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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