I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
