Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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