Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
