I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
