I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
