Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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