I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
