I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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