Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Randomize
