You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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