I got chris browned last night
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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