Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
