He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
