I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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