Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
