Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
