i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
